My Mid-Autumn Festival

Came back to my rm ard 11+ today, lamenting to Yun that we did not celebrate the mooncake fest. How sad it was that we aren't carrying lanterns... n just felt generally sad that we had to spend such a fun fest studying for our mid sem quizzes... felt really nostalgic.

Wasn't in my rm for more than 10 min when i realised that my block mates were light up lanterns. Nice as they are, they invited me to join in. n I fulfilled my wish of carrying a lantern on this moonlit night. Guess this made it the nicest part of the day ... a close 2nd was sleeping for 3 whole decadent hours in the afternoon.

Hope that I can spend my next mid autumn fest with the traditional secondary sch get-together sans mooncake. Don't think much of them.

We live in a crazy world

We are ALL crazy. Really. No kidding. Was reading my Mkt text,drifted away from it as usual, n came to the conclusion that the world is filled with crazy people. People who do crazy things, people who do stupid things, people who are unconscious of doing something stupid crazy. Really. Believe me. We are just a bunch of crazies... Crazie crazies.

The Shopping Village

Call me biased call me a shameless advertiser of a cause i am championing...but the fact still stands... there are really interesting buys in the MDS bazaar at the Sci Foyer.Walk into the usual blank space n there greeting u are stores with bargains...cheap cheap slippers at $5... nice looking too if u dun mind slipping once in a while... Bikinis at $15 if u buy 2 sets...Earrings at low prices and accessories that scream 'BUY ME!!'...but the store at really really fascinates me... is the one selling CHocOLATES!!!!! not just any chocs...but liquor chocs... prices are reasonable at $18/box which contains 16 pc... the chocs are wrapped in foil n is shaped like bottles of liquoer... n they taste damn good loh!(yup!!! have tried them b4)... anyway just go check these stores out coz they'll only b there till Fri...oh! that chocolate store i was talking about?? Sells T-shirts n BAGS!!! Reasonably priced and unique too!

THE SHOPPING VILLAGE

27th Sept-1st Oct

@ the Science Foyer!!!!

The biggest bazaar of the year

SHOP TILL YOU DROP!!!!

Indulge in my confusion II

Missed Tara's lect today. Was happily eating M&S Choc chips cookies and drinking hot choc in the morning, chatting with Noel on msn, when he asked me... 'when does ur sem break end?' n it HIT ME. I had sch today!

Had a good talk(msn) with Liting today, dinner sometime soon? Sorry i can't make it today, glad u understand=) Lynn told me to read Noel's blog, which i in turn asked Liting to read. The reaction and parallels drawn by Liting from reading a particular entry reaffirmed my conviction that one's talent for communication (thru print/speech) is a real precious gift. Something that I am envious of, something that I wished I possessed.

I always lament to those close to me and myself, that I have few friends, that I do not know a lot of people, that I am just so dead boring that no one wants to talk to me. However, somehow it had not, till now, occurred to me that instead of focusing on the lack of acquintences, I should focus on the friends I have made. I never realised just how interesting the friends I know are. I guess itz just a matter of perspective, of appreciating what you have. Sometimes they irritate the hell out of me (I guess thatz only human) but at the end of the day, at the end of the bitching fest, at the end of everything, I wouldn't trade not knowing them for anything.

This brings me to THE Question. is it wrong to indulge in a bitch fest? DOes it constitute back stabbing? There is always this guilt curtain hanging over me whenever I indulge in my baser instincts. I want to remain the good friend. I want to remain 'loyal', I want to be this non complaining person. however, i refuse to be a long suffering person who has everything bottled up, compressed, suppressed, strung up tightly with resentment. No one is a saint right? There is (emphatically) a bitch in all of us. SO where do we draw the line???? When one complains about another person to a 3rd party... will that constitute a breach in the friendship code????? or is this a case of 'everyone does that what! itz normal, itz ok' ?

Yesterday

Project meeting was kinda of a disaster. There were not subjects(ie sec students) to collect data from and our project had so many loopholes, we were unable to salvage it. Spent quite a lot of time discussing how to save it, which pissed Lynn off big time. The thing was that no one seemed to want to change the entire direction of the project and do something completely new. discussion stayed stagnant for quite some time. I guess what was really on everyone's mind was how to resolve everything and get on with doing it but no one voiced it out. Was it because we all knew each other and did not want to offend? whatever the case, suggestions after suggestion simply revolved around our holey weak question. Personally felt that there was quite a bit of tension after a while coz Lynn was visibly unhappy about the direction we were going. Did not know what to do really coz, well,a discussion does not consists only of me-everyone has a part to play. Crappy thing about having a group where everyone sort of knows each other is that everyone becomes more reserved, more conscious of other people's feelings. everything was resolved but that discussion convinced me that no matter how terrible doing projects with strangers are, they are not as stressful as doing them with friends. THe dynamics are just not right.

Had a better time at Yun's after that, where i sat on her bed almost a whole nite, talking, watching S'pore Idol and crapping with her n Darren. The occassional calls from darling Qiuyi was totally entertaining and rubbish as I declared my undying love for her after greeting her with odd(fresh!), imaginative versions of 'hi'. Completed a chapter of my mkt textbook that night.

I try to stifle my fear of rejection everytime i smile at someone i recognise but don't know well. People whom I've talked to shortly before whose names i have unfortunately forgotten.People whose names I still remember but is the only thing I know about them now. I end up either feeling glad I smiled or utterly ridiculous. Today brought the point home more strongly somehow.

Walked towards the Library n walked past this guy that was from my psych module in my 1st yr 1st sem. Had seen him at the SEP talk too but didn't acknowledge him although I had a feeling he recgonised me. Twice in a short span o time. Turned back n smiled at him coz i hate it when people walk pass me as if they don't notice me even though we might have gone for a few tutorials together.thank goodness he recognised me n returned the smile if not i would feel like an utter moron. So did not regret being nice.

Passed by a girl from my 'understanding emotions' module later. Smiled at her and she returned an uneasy unwilling smile. I don't think i will smile at her again. coz she didn't look as if she wanted to recognise me.

Passed by a guy from my EL class who had asked me a question last wk. Attempted to smile but he had a blank look on his face. Decided better not.

Passed by a girl I got to know from my mom's clinic. She smiled=)

Feeling like a moron i guess boils down to the question of confidence. Just how confident am I?? haha confident to do things alone. but not confident enough to resist the tendency to feel like a moron. This tendency is so strong sometimes it overwhelms. Maybe thatz y i feel like a moron coz i allow myself to feel like one?...

Qiuyi has the flu. Yun had the flu. I had a fever. the bug is coming upon us... whoever who have not caught it please take care ya?

Had a productive EL grp meeting today. Feel really happy about that=)

A moment of indulgence...confusion

FUnny but found myself reading the side of Wanqing's blog instead of her main entries. Found one entry interesting. comfortable being alone and I realised something. ME TOO!!! comfortable is such an appropriate word here, it speaks of a certain level of confidence yet it does not indicate that one scorns the company of people (friends to be precise) it reflects one ease in one's own skin, one's belief that one would be able to handle whatever crap that might come your way when there isn't an army behind to back u up.

Well, most of the time, I handle alone well. Even like it most of the time. Till I get BOREDDDDD!!!! itz different from being lonely. Yes it is cliched but oh so true. I always imagine myself walking down places I've never been to alone with only a camera capturing what I have seen, what I am experiencing at that moment. The act of walking home with only one's own thoughts for company is sometimes a simple joy so greatly welcomed. Time taken to think of options open to me, time to be in touch with who I am, Time for reflection is so sorely lacking in my life sometimes that I'll have fleeting bouts of panic that my life would pass me by with me not knowing what just hit me. How do i get on with a meaningful life without, in the process, finding out WHO I AM? how would i define meaningful in the first place?

It is so easy to go through life, laughing and joking and being lighthearted. But if we laughed our life away as just one big joke? Do we turn around and declare, "I was happy, that was all that mattered?" What about the Quality of happiness??isn't that impt? Isn't that something to think about?

Not in a bout of panic now though, but worries about my state of life, the aimlessness and lack of motivation really gets to me on some days. Going out makes it even worst coz the guilt simply sets in. Yet, to stay n do my work has turned out to be unproductive.

Thoughts drift. Thatz the way it is here. bear with it=) Gwen's birthday celebration yesterday was really enjoyable. Talked a lot, She had really interesting stories that left me in stitches. and tears. cept i was the only one who laughed at parts that others felt were not remotely humorous. oh yes, she's like the only one who can get away calling me a bitch five? times in a nite without me being pissed off. She's like the only person I know who is ENVIOUS of my trip to Cambodia. Thatz when she 'you BITCH' me. Perhaps i might find Angelina Jolie wondering along some hill tribe or village there, I think that would turn her eyes lime green and make her insane with jealousy. Mabbe pictures of the land as it is might do the trick...Geog students... I think I indulged in my meanest bout of teasing last night too. NO ONE EMERGED unscathed. actually yes... siying n aishah did. ok i feel cheated. but still i was mean. gwen was mean. siying was mean. Aishah came late. It was great fun. Aishah changes each time i see her. couldn't recognise her initially. Leggy, tall,LONG eyelashes, great figure, more lady-like than before, still as nice. Tinge of green envy from my side=)

THE miracle drug

Fri was a terrible day. Woke up with a raging headache and walked out of Tara's lect during her break. She wasn't the only sick one in the room i guess. Decided not to buy my own panadols and headed to YIH to see the Doctor. Found out I had a high fever and the only thing that could make me feel better at instance was... panadol. Now I know how actors are able to act as drug addicts convincingly without actually being one themselves... just imagine yourself in great pain and thinking "just GIVE ME THE DAMN PILL!!!!!" Yep! Wallowed in an immense pool of self pity for the whole day whenever I wasn't sleeping, went for the SEP talks, project grp meeting and the Cambodia trip meeting. Friends were great with their concern and made me feel better. Qiuyo wins the award of the day though! She fetched me home from school=) What would I do without u gals?

Spent the night shivering/perspiring even after popping miracle pill. However, when morning came, fever had broken (somewhat). Went to teach tuition in the morning and going out to celebrate Gwen's birthday later. Mabbe I'm a mean friend, but i love to piss Gwen off sometimes just to see her reaction. Never disappoints coz she's such a good natured albeit unapologetically frank person. Like the other day when she teased me unmercifully and wickedly over my loud pink blouse. I think she took great joy and glee seeing me in it. However she's ever forgiving of my freudian slips that reflects upon my pathetic skill in the art of disassembling. Actually she takes it in her stride and what i love about her is that she never uses it again and again agst me. She lets it pass n never brings it up. Anyway, we are meeting her late n leaving her to stew in her impatient juices just to witness her pissed off expression. Just in case she reads this entry (although i doubt it) HAPPY BIRTHDAY GWEN!!! and may tmr be a really really 'special' day for you!!!!!

I woke up this morning suddenly overwhelmed by everything. Nothing much has happened in the few days since i've moved into hall but the overall change in my life has suddenly hit me. yr 1 in uni was spent going to sch and going home. no extra activities not much intereaction with people. Felt bored. decided to make some changes. applied for hall, applied for YEP trip, spontaneously joined a cca with rest of my friends. NOW, in hall, going for YEP trip in DEC, eventually going to help in organization o some bazaar. Have I dipped my fingers into too many pies? Many might not think much of these activities but to start from 0 activities in sch to 3... quite overwhelming suddenly for me. Hall is considered an activity coz it was bloody dirty n cleaning it up was an ACTIVITY.

moreover, am I losing sight of my main goal? trying to get selected for SEP? I am hardly hitting the books and doing my tuts. not because of the activities above(cept cleaning my rm) but because I can't seem to concentrate or understand much of anything nowadays. It kinda scares me coz the mid sem break is approaching meaning the tests are looming real close. time management is really not my forte.

Yun is thinking of joining hall activities like badminton. Sounds like a good idea to me, coz y stay in hall if u do not do anything? but itz for 2 days from 6-9. alot of time. n i feel like i am going to eventually stretch myself too thinly across all my committments and do badly for my exams. which ultimately is my main goal esp this sem when i am taking 3 maj mods for the first time and don't understand them. overwhelmed is how I am feeling now. Don't even have an idea for my mkting plan n i'm meeting my grp for the first time today, what a way to start a project- with nothing to contribute.

I am homesick also... funny right? can go holiday for one week n not b homesick at all but stay in hostel for 2 days n i am homesick. this is really not what i thought i would feel. apparently my neighbour is having difficulty waking up now coz the phone alarm keeps ringing. I just feel sucky right now. everything has changed too quickly. refuse to go home during the week. does not make sense esp today n tmr coz of the way my lessons are structured. Also have some really warpped sense that if i go home, i wld be admitting defeat along the path of independence. Going out is not an option coz my reading would still be there forever n ever n ever. TIRED! Feel rather lethargic and moody today... Yun wld have to tolerate my moodiness today. Apologies in advance=) I want to go home.

my new pet...the damn lizard

I've got a freaking lizard co- habiting with me. itz not fat (thank God for the little miracles!!) n itz not tiny(THANK YOU GOD!) coz as Lynn rationalized. If it is small, you can be sure its siblings would be nearby.Lynn told me to kill it(by vacuum/broom), Dot told me to name it. from now on it would be called 'the damn lizard' aka 'damn'.kill it? not so easy though my preferred option. Sure hope i dun end up having a stand off with the damn lizard.

Damn is damn slow. It has been at the same spot for the last 15 min. Mabbe there are mites or ants up ard the top doors o my cupboard.whatever. i just hope it wld just go visiting other rms n GET LOST.so far it seems to want to leave me ALONE(YAYYY). bloody hell. i hate damn. I dun want a pet. YUN!!! u can have it! i was only joking when i said u shld have a cockroach as a pet. Damn is much cuter.

DAMN DAMN DAMN.DAMN

My days as a pirate will come to a screeching halt come mon... oh the tragedy of it all.

I'm moving in...

Got a call saying that there's a single rm available at Eusoff hall. Accepted it. Can't wait to move it on Mon. There are tons of stuff i have to get before moving in. WHO WANTS TO HELP ME MOVE????????

thatz the exciting news. The bad news is that... I've done it again. I've hurt the feelings of another friend. So here is an apology n a promise that I will have more consideration for her feelings from now on.i think i was supposed to go home with her today but in the confusion of feeling really guilty and needing to pay the downpayment for my Cambodia trip, I FORGOT! It was a lousy thing for me to do. Sorry Dot!!!!!

Meeting the gals tonight n i really wonder whether it is going to be a massive disaster. why?? coz yun, qiuyi, dot n I are meeting at seven. WQ is coming at eight. Liyi is coming at nine. Liting might come at ten. this is utterly odd but the same scenario wld be repeating itself week after week so better now than later=))

Finally!!!! a photo taken on MY birthday=) what are rare gem=P thanks YUN!