The end... and a new start

Nov arrives in 12 2/3 hrs. 3 more weeks till uni judgement day. Loads not done yet. Perfect recipe for disaster. Worriedly, I am not as stressed as I should be. I am instead, happy. 2 quizzes next week. One group meeting on Fri, with grp members expecting me to have read ALL readings for my TEch inno. class. AS IF. SOmetimes, I wonder, is it tt people are idealistic? tt they assume that everyone diligently reads their readings or are is it just MY attitude that sucks? A thought to ponder and waste time upon...

Well, WQ>> MY BLOG IS NOT DEAD!!! ITz in HIBERNATION... It will wake when ANNE experiences EXTREME emotions. TILL THEN...ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Disillusioned

I am tired weary and just plain disillusioned about people at this point of time. On the other hand, I really thank God that I have met so many pple who have never been this terrible prior to this experience. I have heard of, been indignant (on someone's behalf) about the project grp mates from hell, but i just sneered and easily dismissed difficulties in handling them. HOw wrong i was. I am at the receiving end and I just want to give R a tight slap for providing subsubsubsubsubsubsubusubsub-standard work and being so flippant about it. She's not the only one who produces crap work. But she gets the brunt of my anger coz she simply irritates the hell of me with her attitude. This anger vacillates between strong bursts when I am editing or rewriting her work to a perpetual simmer when I am not or am in her presence.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am overreacting to the situation. Am I just so high strung that I magnify the problem? But somehow, continuously editing and rewritting their work on different occassions and sleeping at 5 and 4 on 2 of them while doing 8 hours of editing straight because their work is abysmal just does not cut it. Lynn has been a great help and support as she co-edits the reports and points out all the errors that I missed or made. Thanks!


I just want to finish this project n start my revision. I want to get rid of my anger and just be myself again. I really feel like a horrible person these days. Maybe I am acting like one. I do not attribute all blame to R for this coz there are other factors involved here, but like a layer of dust, it accumulates till it becomes visible to the naked eye. Its like a loose noose around my neck, a constant reminder that I am not free of my obligations and responsiblities. Thanks to friends who have heard me bitch abt this for weeks. I owe you guys my sanity.

My incessant complaining has left me with a huge amt of guilt as I realise that people around me are battling with more important issues, mine pale in comparison to theirs yet they are silent, as I am loud. Perhaps the silence belies the magnitude of their problems. I ask myself, If I can't even help myself, who am I to judge and offer advice to others? I wish to help, I really do, but I don't know how.

CRISIS at hand

*Disclaimer: I had not read Dot and WQ's blog before writing my own today.

TIME OUT... we need a time out from everyone... BREATHE

I just realised why everything i write is directed towards myself...

1. COz itz MY blog
2. Coz i am writting it
3. Coz i wun hurt others with what i might want to say

Self absorption

I felt like the liar today. Well, i didn't lie, which makes the 'liar feel' seem ridiculous. was having a happy lunch with Lynn, Qiuyi, Liyi n Yun today, n it was revealed that I watched niptuck when i was supposed to be HARD at work... haha yes i felt as though i had misrepresented how much work i actually had. Coz if i had loads and loads to do, which I do have, i wouldn't do something as time wasting as watching niptuck right??? If I had less work than I had professed, I should have caught a movie with the rest.

Well, my world works in mysterious ways. Nevertheless I felt/feel like a fraud, which got me thinking in general.

Sometimes I wonder why i feel this neccesity to explain my actions to the people around me. No one really demands it or expects it at times but the need to vindicate oneself persists. Why do i have to vindicate myself when it just isn't needed? It's as if I am so conscious and fearful of being mistakenly judged that I end up admitting guilt when it isn't mine to start with in the first place. Sometime I wish I could be just like my sis, who does not give a damn about explanations and goes about her happy way doing what she wants to do. Sometimes I wish I could just give in to my practical streak and make my decisions based on the TIME that i think i have at any one time. Sometimes, it just gets so tiresome that i just want to be left alone. not for hours but for days, weeks.

Basically I wish I could just cast caution to the wind and just do what I want to do. Fuck restrain and opinions. Fuck explanations. Sometimes I wish 'i felt like it'was not such a selfish word. But What do I want to do? Its a Tough question. Noel asked me what my dreams were a few weeks ago and I said that I wanted life to be perfect. Only that I didn't know how to define my concept of perfection.

Somehow, i have convinced myself that the mysteries of my mind will be revealed and exposed to me by the time I reach 30... 10 more years of discovery. wow.

I am actually enjoying sitting at my table, editing and piecing together my TR project. Mon -Thu are HEAVY DAYS coz my projects and test all need my attention. IF i ignore you or say I am not free, I hope you understand. If i complain n bitch, i hope u understand that i am not all that pissed, but i just need to let it all out at that one moment. If I snap at you or say something that hurts you coz i am not thinking properly, I apologise. If I forget to do something i promised to do, gimme more time!!!! If I am a total grouch... please dun resent me for it.

For complaining incessantly for the last 2 weeks, apologies to all my friends. It isn't as bad as it was portrayed. There are bigger problems out there. Indulge me a little... n NTU pple!!! JIA YOU!!!!!!

Lightning, THUNDER and BLACK clouds

*ROAR* How can ANYONE...ANYONE ...
who is in Uni not know how to formulate a decent paragraph in a report????? I mean its so simple... get your tenses right, don't write irrelevant and crappy phrases like 'get anyone and everyone who might be interested to...', if you can't use big words, DON'T, don't use informal language like 'check it out' and don't contradict yourself.

Yet, it happens. It really pisses me off coz I don't believe that our education system has failed so dismally. To me, itz just one piece of slipshod work. Honestly, I couldn't care less if anyone hands in such crap to the tutor... yes, you have s/u-ed...but when itz a group project and your groupmates(who haf not s/u-ed) have to clean up your shit. I hardly think it is fair. Does one have to be so selfish?

Irresponsibility

Tara(My Lecturer) sounds pissed... in her email to us...

Is this the group's Owrion for last Friday's class? Does this mean there was nothing of the class you were struck by? And that you have no questions?


You see, I don't need a summary of the class. What I want is an indication of your understanding, and of the problems you may have. So a submission like this, only to satisfy a requirement, doesn't make sense to me.


Is the Owrion representative of the group, or just one individual's? If it represents the group, and you are all fine with it, then so am I.


TM

I feel actually quite bad... coz the pts(grand total o 4) were by me... though it was supposed to be a group work... apparently no one wanted to write more... Honestly I have not contributed much for previous owrions. No questions were raised coz i didn't even know where to start. Sigh how depressing. Quiz is tmr. Think Tara's right if we dun bother who is she to bother??? At least she was bothered enough to email us and reprimand. I feel like a primary sch kid...

We are all Morons

Really. We are. HOW? we are a bunch of crazy morons.Trust me.

terrible tuesday

I dunno how to do Tara's Tutorial. WHat the hell is she asking me to do? oh please dun anyone put a 'relax' msg on my tagboard... I am not that frustrated... yet... will give that blasted tutorial another try later. Meanwhile, I leave you with my ranting.

WATCH IT

My brother thinks F4 is the reincarnation of the Grasshoppers*roars with laughter*

Bad/good/every thing/s come in 3s

It all seems so surreal. Remember when Mercutio cursed the Montagues n Capulets? He cursed them 3 times and the curse worked(yes! R&J's death was the consequence). This day seemed just as cursed although it started out as unassuming as any other Friday.

Woke up HAPPY. This in itself was odd considering that I had Tara's lesson to attend. BUT HER TEST WAS CANCELLED. Had a great time in her class as I did not even nod off but listened ever so attentively... a real miracle really!Met Dot and made our way to the Bazaar where we helped Kuanlin sell his liquor chocs. THen everything went wrong as the day accelerated towards night.

1)Began to have SERIOUS apprehensions about joining MDS main comm and had to attend a really stupid and time wasting ego boosting??(how so?) Nussu AGM

2)Liting called and sounded NOT OK... but absolutely refused to talk about what was bothering her. Am quite worried though coz I really dunno what is going on in her life and am just so bogged down by study/family/sch commitments that I seem nv to b there for her when she needs a friend.

3)Mom got robbed in her clinic 'movie'-style. Not saying it in a joking way but just to demonstrate just how surreal it all is. Itz 2 n she is not back from the hospital. She suffered some cuts and quite some bruises from the snippets of info I gathered from Dad...she sounded really subdued over the phone. Am glad my brother is there with her.

The 3rd incident, has not really properly sunken in for I've not seen Mom since last sunday and can't even BEGIN to imagine that such a CRIME can occur to my family or anyone I directly know. Yes we all know it happens. Shit happens. Singapore is not crime free, itz just freer from crimes than, say, Indonesia. Theoratically I know it can happen to anyone but emotionally and mentally, the denial that IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN TO ME is strong.

What struck me most about this incident is the presence of God. All those who know me know I am quite a lapse Catholic. I believe I have faith. However I have not been inside a church for months, I joke about Christianity quite easily and feel quite uneasy when people get too preachy and praise God so fervently that I fear that they are not in the right state of mind.So when I feel God, yes. his presence is strong.

But when my dad called me to tell me about the robbery, God as a savior came to mind rather naturally for him. It was not an off-hand 'Thank God your mom n Isabelle(mom's nurse) is safe' but a 'we must really thank God that...'. Mom repeated this sentiment hours later when she called home to check in on us.How typical it is that we remember God only when we need him most.

Call me selfish bitch, call me a pragmatist, but after knowing that Mom was in no great danger, my worries revolved not around her but the implications of this event. Would her nurse quit? Would she be open for business tmr? Would she be in the mood to watch Mamma mia on Sunday? (I can't believe I even thought of this) Some thoughts and questions have just so far reaching implications that it has sent my head whirling frantically.

Need sleep. Need more time. Need to wake up early to give my last tuition lesson to Gab.

JOYOUS

TARA CANCELLED HER QUIZ!!!! hahahaha So i have declared Thurs nite a holiday for complaining about stupid quizzes anne. YUP!!! so u can see y I'm in such a fantastic mood. ANyway watch S'pore Idol... yes i am a LOYAL fan of the show although i dun make it a point to catch American Idol. I Don't see the point of watching Americans, a continent away prancing and singing. However, I totally support Singaporeans who prance and sing their way through the show. I never thought they had it in them and they proved me wrong. There actually is talent in S'pore though its a pity that the way they would be marketed would never reach the scale of the American Idols whom I think are laughing their way to the bank, seeing how much their concert tickets cost when they come to S'pore to perform.

Supporter of Daphne and Sylvester... haha y???? coz Daph has a sparkly personality n a voice diff from the rest n she performs up to expectation unlike Jessea who I was actally rooting for. Sylvester coz he is the dark BLACK horse in this senseless competition. His pronunciation is way off constantly which throws the songs he sings into disarray but he still tries hard. He is like a xiao ah beng and I find that endearing??? heehee n he can't smile properly... n oh... he can sing... put him in the taiwan mkt n I really believe that he would be able to make it.

AND I REALISED that when one talks loudly in a hall rm... the pple next door can hear VERY CLEARLY!!!! oh no this is so embarrassing... YUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep thinking of that time when we were talking about .... ARGH!!! hahahahaha had a pleasant time with pple in my hall watching OC with them, talked to a few of them.=)) nice pple... I guess friends consolation that knowing pple takes time wasn't just that- consolation but advice. At least when I walk back to my room I wun be walking and smiling past strangers. Atleast now, I know a few more names... n apparently everyone knows my name... sucks a little coz itz harder to reciprocate that. Everyone who knows me know how my memory is somewhat faulty.

well just to repeat the good news...
TARA CANCELLED TMR'S QUIZ