Just a matter of relativity

There are bigger problems out there in the world. In the macro scheme of things, 'I' becomes so inconsequential that whatever issues that seems so important and all encompassing to an individual pale in comparison.

Itz all a matter of relativity, our social framework, our immediate world. What IS beautiful and what IS ugly? We are so used to thinking about them as diametrically opposites that we forget that they are actually terms along a continuum.

As we make our way in life we inch closer towards the edge of experience, our pure black and white scale evolves slowly but surely to become a greyscale. Another continuum, another scale that has no absolute measurement.

I am trying to get used to the world, where NOTHING is definite, concrete. EVERYTHING around us is arbitrary. The frameworks that govern our minds, science, concepts of good and evil... ALL concepts. THey are simply ways that we have constructed and established to make sense of this world. Without them, we are lost. However, what makes us think that these frameworks are adequate, what makes us think that good and evil is the way we should see this world? For all we know, it might just be like those horse blinkers that make it so much harder for the horses to see what is on their left and right.

Wrote the upper part some time ago... wondering thoughts that i have been too lazy to think through and then attended Philo lect...n Holbo asked... How do we know whether we are or we are not in the Matrix? quite an irreverent part of the lect but really how do we KNOW? DOing Descartes now... have not really read his first meditation. Proscrastination has been getting me down... in a big way recently. Anyway...DOUBTS DOUBTS DOUBTS. That is all we have. And that is all i have to offer.

Am i too afraid?

Have i restricted myself from experiencing life, as i have often advocated to others, by reciting the same litany of 'I don't know how'; 'I can't'; It's just not me'; 'I would be bad at it'; etc to myself?

Have I gotten less confident as I become more aware of my own shortcomings? Have I become too harsh, too judgemental on myself and others? Have I gotten more superficial than i was a day, a month, a year ago?

Rhetorical as these questions are, they serve as a means to clear my mind of them, to admit to them allows a solution, an action to be taken to counter them.

Selfish, this word has ran through my mind at least ten times at day, I may be paranoid, for who doesn't do anything for their own benefit? However, as certain thoughts that I have allowed to be verbalised come back to haunt me, I find myself questioning my motives for saying it. Did I say it coz i wanted to be honest, or did i say it out of spite? What was my unconscious motive behind my actions and words? Were my train of thoughts superficial? In what way were they superficial? My greatest fear would be to become like Iago. Apparently possessing the purest of intentions but in actual fact twisting these virtuous intentions to serve as a means to HIS end.

Have i tagged my self image to my body weight? As it increases, my positive self image decreases. (As it has...) and as it decreases, the boundary that restricts me from the richness of life looms overhead, ever forbiddingly, its shadow casting doubt and fear. I have given in time and time again to this irrational doubt that its effect starts to wear thin. My inhibitions are many, although not all are apparent, I hide it well...perhaps not anymore...i will try n rid myself o some.

SOmething has to be done, I need to get out of this prison of my own making and actually do something that I 'preach'. I don't want to be the Pot (which calls the kettle black).

Phone: still LOsT

if anyone needs to contact me, just email me (so sad to have to resort to this) or msg me on msn (ie if i am on). Will remain uncontactable for the next few days.

annetan@hotmail.com

Handphone - LOST

Hey all just a note to tell u all that i've lost my phone... so i wun b able to reply to any messages or calls... yup... just waiting for the person who got my phone to return it but after the first phone call to lynn she has been uncontactable via my mobile. *sad* very inconvenient.