The photos I posted via HELLO is NOT appearing on my photoblog *frustration*
With most of the projects and papers for the semester completed, an illusionary lull in activity has settled. THis time of the semester always leads me to a bout of soul searching. And the theme for this semester has to do with whether I am selfish as a person as a friend. This somehow sounds somewhat TOO simplistic. Anyhow, comments about how i've become more 'practical' have been constantly dropped for some time now, and while I am not particularly bothered by assuming this label, it brings with it some negative connotation which I have had trouble interpreting and reconciling with what I know of myself. Even harder is explaining my actions which have been termed practical to people.
TIll now, I have been unable to demystify this quality, though I will endeavour to make sense of some of my actions or desires that apparantly reflect this 'practical' streak of mine.
As faithful readers of my blogs have discovered, friendship ranks awfully high on my list, although studies rank up there too... not coz i am so in love with all things scholarly but simply coz an expectation to do well, to do my best has been inculcated in me and the strong desire not to disappoint my family who are really supportive deters me from simply throwing my books aside and just say fuck it. I hate all of this. No i dun hate it all. yet to say i am passionate about what i am studying is a huge big lie. So one can say, on the top of my most impt list are my family n friends. yes. social relationships are awfully precious. however time as we know it, is unfortunately, FINITE. and the difficulty i've been having, juggling friends (diff grps of them) and family (wrt to expectations, time together etc) have really really been tiring. Bottom line of it all is i want everyone ard me to be happy. I want to be there for them, i want to live up to their expectations of me, I don't want them to be disappointed in me. Yet i constantly feel that I have in some ways or another disappointed.
One might ask, as many do... what do u do? u don't work, you don't have ccas, you have no other extra cirricular activities, WHY DUN YOU HAVE TIME? it is an AWFULLY FRUSTRATING and fuckingly irritating question. I mean, yes i always end up trying to explain myself and then just taking the short cut and saying... yes LOUSY time management. but itz more than that. much more. but i get so bloody tired of explaining. WHY CAN'T people accept that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT? Maybe i simply can't handle as many things as someone else can. WHY ARE U ALWAYS SO BUSY? DO YOU MAKE IT A habit to answer questions so superficially? are some questions tt friends(n i do consider these pple friends) ask which IRKS coz i am busy when u ask me such questions so i give short superficial answers in reply. I mean WHAT the hell do you want me to say? I don't mean to be rude or abrupt, but catch me at an inappropriate time n you get inappropriate answers. I don't have time for deep questions, I have my own issues to deal with. and don't ask me what.
ANother line of questioning, why do you feel you have to live up to expectations? just be yourself! hell, i would say tt cliche line to anyone else who has the same problem. why do i want to live up to expectations? rather why do i expect myself to live up to expectations when really no one actually expects that much. My life is not really my own regardless of what individualist would say. I have my own responsibilities to people ard me whether they are family or friends or strangers. THere are rule that one lives by in society. Social parameters that enable society to function normally. Perhaps, I do feel a stronger sense towards living up to expectations and the pressure just builds up. I end up anxious, unlike others, when totally stressed I am rendered completely inefficient. I stop doing anything productive, my focus level drops to ground '0'. I end up screwing up my exams,my important papers. I don't deliver. And this brings me really down. itz really a vicious circle.
Friends wise, Dot once explained 2 concepts of friendships or rather social relationships outside the family. in the first concept, we deal with concentric circles. THere is an inner core, this consists of the friends whom you are closest to, they make up the CENTRE. then there are the outer cores, where friends, depending on how close they are to you are positioned.IT works somewhat like an hierarchy. THe second concept basically works like the internet, as it deals with networks, where YOU are the centre and friends are linked to you on one flat level.
I fit into the first category. however, i do have quite a few groups of friends whom i consider really close and they make up the immediate outer core. However, as the inner core of friends is really quite large, 9 of us, the time taken to maintain the other friendships are reduced. Friends of this circle have complained that I am never there, and I am aware, but Murphy's law always works in unison with me and when things go wrong, everything fucks up at the same time. WHICH DIRECTION DO I GO??? n so comes in 'practicality' which i use to solve/reduce this tension.
however because of that, i am made more aware of time constraints and coz i do not dissemble (or try very hard not to) I end up seeming really calculative about the time i have to spend with people. Naturally since I prioritise my inner core grp of friends as no.1 they get the lion's share of time. even then i do not see much of them during the term as projects and papers pile. Natuarally with so little time, it seems logical to me (although coldly practical to others) that I have to ration my time. But how am I really a practical person? I don't really understand. If I was really practical, I would hibernating in hall and not giving myself day offs. If i was really practical, I wouldn't be spending the amount of money that i am spending now, I wouldn't be up at freaking 0230hr typing out a somewhat incoherent blog piece. I wouldn't be watching stupid shows, or looking at cute guys while studying (though such sightings are rare n far apart) or day dream so much, or DREAM so much, or just do so many things a practical person would not do. My reasoning for doing some things have, as some of u have discovered, a warpped logic to it that defies 'common sense'. If I was practical I would not be so preoccupied and disturbed by whatever some of my friends are going through, coz i would keep in mind that most problems that one has, one usually has to solve independently. All i can offer is a listening ear. which i am willing to lend. Granted, i do not ask or probe much sometime as i do not want to judge and because i really do not know what to say or do coz i have no experience what so ever that has to do with relationships. My standards are prudish, strait laced. On a more negative note,the finiteness of time just keeps popping up in my head. THis inability, ineptitude in juggling everything no matter just HOW MUCH i want to stinks of FAILURE. I am unable to live up to what I expect a good friend to be. And this bothers me a whole lot.
Perhaps a step towards being a better friend would simply be for me, to stop going on about my life and be less self-absorbed. Let others have a chance to talk.
itz 0300hr. *yawn* dreams again. hopefully not the mega types, they are too real for my liking.
