San Diego

I can hear cheering down the street from the hostel. The lights from the clubs and pubs are still winking at me. The city is still awake 10 min before midnight. I feel alive and unafraid. Behind me, 2 people are holding an intelligent conversation. They are not smoking and do not spot a body full of tattoos.

It's now 10 min after one. Someone is drumming outside the window and occassionally, the sound of a harmonica is heard. The lounge at the hostel is quiet as we type on our PCs, and others read. It's a comfortable silence.

I love this place.

We reached SD around 7.30 pm and made our way successfully without getting lost to the hostel. Of coz we did stop people along the way to ask for directions and did walk around aimless for a few streets however we were never in the wrong direction.

Qiuyi and I are staying in Hostelling International and sharing a room with 9 other females. People who are early sleepers. Or perhaps we are simply the abnormal ones. I really do not know. Hostel is clean, friendly, big, has clean sheets, everything we need. Food around here is extremely expensive (USD 15 and above) as there are only restaurants around here. So we visited Ralph's- a huge supermarket which has EVERYTHING including xiao bai chai- for food supplies. and they didn't missed putting into our plastic bag, our bottle of yoghurt.

Tomorrow brings with it lots of promises. It's Old Town then Hillcrest and where we will make our journey back to downtown and explore more of it in the day. Bidding has to be taken care of in the evening and then it is more walking, more exploring the scene.

Day after, it's Balboa Park, San Diego Zoo, Musuem of Photographic Art.

EXCITED.

n extremely tired.

Had a great day today. Rented a car, drove to the premium outlets, bought a pair of socks, pants to exercise in, stuff for others. Drove to hollywood, Santa Monica beach, heard the most amazing sounds of waves, and watched midnight waves crash against the cold compact sand. A fruitful day, a satisfying day.

Fathoming the Unfathomable

Sometimes I try so hard to understand but end up with more questions and confusion. Sometimes, I try so hard to accommodate that I end up compromising. Sometimes, I try so hard to make sense of the world around me and the people within it that I wind up realising that somehow I didn't really understand them to start with. I am left with questions questions and more questions. Questions I have no answer to, questions they wouldn't be able to answer. Questions I'll never ask them, questions that even IF I did voice out, they wouldn't respond to. Questions that seem not to be of importance, questions that might have been too important. Questions that are too private, questions questions and more questions.

Taking a bath has now become my temporary refuge, to be alone with my thoughts, the constant random ramblings that run through my brain. As many might know by now, thoughts come to me, not in order, not at all directly connected and in sequence. I jump from A to N back to F and down to Z. Most people have difficulty catching my train of thoughts, and usually they have been running through my head so rapidly I unconsciously only vocalise the last part. Miscommunication, frustration, rightly so. Somehow along the way in this 3 months, I have lost what I really expect from people. I am left somewhat clueless, somewhat lost, somewhat confused. I've learnt more and yet, I've lost what I thought I already had. Expectations I have of others, expectations people have of me. Perspectives. I've lost them. or mabbe just gained too many and now have too much difficulty sorting through them. then life with its mundaneness will swipe down and overwhelm these fundamentals leaving me with naught cept the knowledge that I've not figured it out yet.
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I have come to realise that perhaps, I am not meant to know the answer to many things. I may ask but not be entertained. There are things that are better left unsaid. forgotten. never dragged up or simply not said above a whisper in the ladies' room. I have learnt first hand that sometimes you are your best friend. No one really knows what you are going through, no one knows how to put your actions in the same context as the one you did. and you shouldn't expect them to.
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Have i never grown up or did I skip a phrase, becoming too 'practical', manner of fact, and yet retaining a bit of fanatical childishness about certain things? Questions no one can really have an absolute answer to. Perspectives. it's what the world is all about.
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You may ask what this is all about. but u might not be entertained.

DISBELIEF

Disbelief that it has ended.
Disbelief that the finals i took this morning has already been graded
Disbelief that the grades are actually up
Disbelief that for a paper i spent the whole day not studying... I GOT A PERFECT SCORE
Disbelief Disbelief Disbelief. Did they enter it wrongly?

Who are u stranger?

Sleepy, drowsy, really to throw the towel in and say... f*** it... no more studying. n then the stranger came to save the day. A tap on my shoulder, I turned. Who taps me on the shoulder in Davis? was my first thought. people just whisper ANNE loudly in excited tones. At first, uncomprehending. Who's this guy? damn he looks good. then... OMG... then a vocalised "hi!" *smile* "how are you?". We talk for a while... who said small talk was BAD? I love small talk. ...and he leaves... and yet he doesn't take everything away... he leaves me smiling, he leaves me with enough endorphins to last me the whole hour before my finals. How I wish I had met him earlier.

Final Bow

5 minutes ago, I handed up my final finals paper. It was a good one. Unlike the morning's which left me with a sense of waste. Not regret really, just waste. I had allowed myself to fall into the trap of slothfulness.

I got back another paper. 95% of 25%. An A perhaps? Whatever it was, it signaled the end. end of my final day at sch. as a davis student. a student in USA i am no longer.

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Curtains Fall

Wed. My last night with Meghann and Mee Jung. Thu. my last night with Meghann. Fri. I'm all alone. Walked down to Oxford Circle this evening for my meal and I was hit by a wave of nostalgia and tears threatened to fall. Is this really the end of this chapter of my life? My heart aches, really. I'll miss the cows i never saw but smelt, i'll miss the green trees whose leaves that took so long to turn yellow then fall. i'll miss walking along the pave back to castilian, i'll miss walking through the park. I'll miss looking up and gazing at the clear dark sky, with the twinkling stars, i'll miss getting lost. Most of all, i'll miss the friends that I made here, the generousity that I met with, the good times that I had, my roommates whom i had some problems with but who turned out to be the best thing that happened to me here. Everything around me i'll miss, cept for the houseflies. I'm never coming back. never coming back to this time this moment. Will they remember me? will they miss me? did i make a difference in their lives, or was i just a stranger passing through?

Just spent an hour talking to Meghann about her problems of friendship which so reminded me of what some people are facing back home. She said. besides my roommates, she is the only friend I have. and i suddenly realised that I was actually her confidant, her friend, only i had thought so little of myself, i never made an effort to be a better friend. Regret at what might have been. regret that there is no longer time to remedy this situation.

Did i know that i would learn the most things at the end of my stay here? Did I know that 3 months here seem to go by so quickly and yet seem to last a lifetime? Did I know that no matter how hard i tried not to be attached to this place, I would be?

Would I remember the walk that i took in the park? Would i remember the thoughts that I had thought? Would I remember how the sky, fog, and streetlights created an almost mystical atmosphere? It has finally hit me. I am leaving. Goodbye. Adios. Sayonora. Ciao. not hasta luego, seeya later. Never again.

SURREAL experience II

I GOT FULL MARKS FOR MY TERM PAPER... which makes up 60% of my grades. OMG. pass nia... even if i dun take my exam... I'm home free... hahahaha

It was a surreal experience... watching Lim Yu Beng on American TV on Sunday night... n then switching on the TV and watching a Mediacorp Chinese Drama...

They speak to me... cynicism and all...

Ode to Dyirrbal

sometimes the strangest exams are the most fun ones. Clicking on the internet explorer, I was looking for help. how do i write a Dyirrbal poem? however my com took so long to load the page, i actually completed it.

This, my friends is going to give me 17 marks for my exams:

Spotted Hyena, prowling, unrelentless
Sniffing capturing, laughing, heeheeheeha

Is this a joke or what? *grinz*

Papers and exams don't mix

just like chilli sauce and coffee don't mix.

seriously. this is the first time I am such a predicament. Exams on tue and thu. 4 papers not completed. now add another one =5. a little panicky a little stress. the urge to runaway is strong. but i will stay steadfast and fight till the battle is won.

I put aside my work and decided that for the first time, I shall go clubbing in Davis's ONLY club on a sunday night. So with Mimi(roomie), Francesca, Vanessa(Fran's pal) and 2 of Vanessa's friends, we entered into the world of 'THE GRADUATE'.

We entered into GAY/FREAKS night. What first registered was the emptiness of the place as we walked in. Just like the time in Vancouver when we went clubbing, we were too early at 10.20pm. We sat down at one of the wooden tables that resembled what one would find in a tavern on the wharf during victorian england times. Not knowing what to do, Vanessa quickly spotted a pool table. We proceeded to play pool- BADLY. Followed by other arcade games. This itself was strange. Arcade games in a club? nevermind. people started filling in at 11pm. But dancing started with just one. one solitary dancing machine, prancing around the entire dance floor to music I've never even knew existed. 2 girls joined him. both in pink hair, one with the four shapes found on poker cards tattooed on her back, the other in a bright yellow T-shirt and wearing a quilt, her hair partly shaved off.

As the night proceeded, men kept pairing off with other men and women with women. On the dance floor, I kept stopping to stare. first at the people holding hands and walking out to the patio, and the toilets. next, at the sheer variety of dance styles. It was mambo night but MUCH BETTER. it wasn't people writhing everywhere. It was people so enthralled in the music they were jumping, hands everywhere, movements showy, freakish yet stylish. You could see practically everyone on the dancefloor. Not many pple remember? Felt so self conscious coz for the first time in my life, I went on an UNCROWDED dancefloor with NO drinks and started dancing. Hey but this night isn't about me right?

so as we danced the night away, people kept joining us, dancing into our circle and then drifting out, dancing in, drifting out. fascinating. music continued to be strange and foreign. I kept wanting to leave. but I didn't want to spoil anyone's fun. So i stayed with Mimi till 1AM. and then we had enough. Vanessa very kindly drove us back to our dorm(which is like a 1 min drive away). I didn't have the fun i came for but I left with an experience that I never bargained for.

Ask me to demonstrate the moves the next time. If I am drunk enough I might just let you see it

Hate+Americans

Do you know what i hate about americans??? how they always like to something is good, great, terrific, when in actual fact it's a pile of shit. ALL my teachers do that. when it is clearly wrong, and even i know it, they say... it isn't completely right. and i am like... it's totally wrong.... and they amend and say... no it's not ALL wrong.... and then they proceed to explain to me and I realised... that IT"S COMPLETELY WRONG....!?! why can't thye just say it? ITS WRONG!You're doing great, aside from this pages, your work is good!... cept those pages... are the ESSENCE of the draft. WHY CAN"T THEY JUST SAY IT STRAIGHT. your paper sucks.

Just came back from an hour at the gym and brunch... two activities which, when put together, is counterproductive. Didn't feel extremely unfit, but neither did i feel fit. I've gotten so fat, it's not even funny. 1 more month before i'll be homeward bound- happy fat and flabby. and pale. and pimplish. I look bad. or mabbe itz just the pms speaking.

I have loads to do. 4 more papers 1 week to the exams. it has NEVER happened like this for me. and yet, i still have a social life. that is the strangest and most worrying part. I should be hibernating in my room and not coming out for air.

I worry that the grades I get would only be average. does that mean that I am as average as the average americans? that thought strikes terror... and denial of this fact struggles to find its voice.

Are all these a signal of stress? it better be. Nothing really happy to announce. I'm really really sad that I am leaving, yet the thought of TRAVELLING again... with qiuyi and qingyou... is something that i am really looking forward to. We'll be travelling to San Franscisco, Las vegas, Los Angeles and San Diego. Southern California. Can't wait really, it just two more weeks to that. I sometimes jsut hate how exams are the signals that something good is approaching... itz like throwing dogshit at someone and say... that dog swallowed a diamond... I dun really want my grades. sianz. I have learnt something about myself. I don't like to be put to the test.